Joel Luke – Life with Faith

Either grace and/or forgiveness come with conditions, or they would mean very little.

Jesus did not forgive and forget. In one well-known narrative, he literally draws a line in the sand. The story is about one person who made mistakes and was being condemned for them.

Jesus stops the condemnation, he forgives. But he doesn’t pretend it didn’t happened. His forgiveness came with conditions.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus says:
Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again. John 8:11 (NRSV)

It matters.
Families are often the places where boundaries are pushed the hardest. People can feel entitled to do the wrong thing because of age, money, or even power. Often, those who believe they have done nothing wrong are the strongest critics of everyone else, believe me when I say I know first hand what this is like on the receiving end.

I have forgiven the same person many times, but I have never forgotten.
I remember being kicked out of my house at seventeen. In the eyes of the law, I was still a child. I lived on a farm for a few days, sleeping on seed bags, until a pub took me in. I was scared, I felt exposed and vulnerable. I eventually forgave the person who did this to me. I released them from the anger and negativity that I had built up in my mind.
But being kicked out was not the worst thing this person has done to me.

To this day, there are moments when they still become abusive. That matters, because this reflection is not about a single event in the past, it is about an ongoing pattern. For me, this is not about trying to change them, but about how I manage contact with them in ways that free me from the hurt.

Forgetting what happened would not have been healing.

If I now show grace, it is to the good, not to the bad. Grace does not mean pretending harm did not occur. Grace does not mean reopening doors that lead to the same wounds.

Lē Weaver names this misunderstanding well:
“A lot of people have wrong ideas about forgiveness… like the idea that it’s best to ‘forgive and forget.’ Heck no! Forgive – period. If you forgive and forget, you have missed the whole point of the suffering.

The learning.
Do the hard thing – forgive and remember. Look honestly at what happened, and at what boundaries need to be established to prevent it from happening again.”
– Lē Weaver

This reflects my experience exactly.

So what am I trying to say?

Grace and forgiveness do have conditions and Jesus shows this clearly. He offers freedom from condemnation, but he also calls people to change. Grace is not a tolerance of reoccuring harm. Forgiveness is not unlimited access for perpetrator.

How should we deal with those who repeatedly betray trust through lies, deceit, or abuse?

The answer for me is simple, though not easy: I remember what has been done, and I don’t allow it to happen again.

Forgiveness and grace now take the form of stopping abusive communication and setting firm boundaries. It is more how I manage them, not try to fix them that I find freedom.

Forgiveness is for me.
Grace is for others.

Jesus offered freedom from condemnation, grace, but he also said, “Do not sin again.” That is not punishment. That is a path toward life.
So here’s the question we’re left with:
If Jesus set boundaries with grace, why do we so often believe love means having none?